While travelling we embraced these opportunities and felt that Raya benefited from the well meaning, diverse attention. Being a long way from home it was nice to see that the world over people were generally caring for the well being of other children, not only those raised within their own nests.
But now back at home I find myself in situations which make me wonder about this concept. Rather than people viewing our children as the next generation and willing to help out if the situation arises people seem to prefer to sit back. This is particularly the case regarding behaviour and safety.
I was discussing two recent events with my hubby and questioning whether my willingness to step in and become involved was because a) I appreciate it when others do - within reason b) I can't flick off the teacher switch c) because I believe to some extent we all have a duty of care to children or d) all of the above.
Hubby argued that this 'takes a village to raise a child' analogy is nothing new and that things were different when we were growing up. I argued that we are both getting old if we are finding ourselves using that phrase but, I have to agree. I feel that hubby has a point.
These were the two incidents I observed and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Event A
During the holidays I took Miss A to Taronga Zoo. Oh I love that place and the new renovations are such an improvement- but that's another post! We went off to the zoo and it was late in the day following a toilet stop. We were in an outside cafe area perched on a brick wall as every table and chair were full. While Raya had a snack and I refueled with caffeine, we were seated next to three children who appeared to be 11, 9 and 7 - or close enough using my teacher judgement.
As we sat eating I gathered they were waiting for their mum to come out of the women's toilets. The first and eldest boy finished off his packet of chips and his can of drink and then chucked them in the garden where we were sitting. I will mention now that against the wall of the women's toilet, less than 5 steps away was a bin.
I looked at this boy waiting to catch his eye and while I did I noticed the number of elderly zoo patrons (possibly on a tour activity due to the large number of senior citizens in one gathering) who simply tut tutted and shook their heads.
The other children then finished their food (mum was taking ages in the bathroom) and the youngest one jumped off the wall looking like he was taking it to the bin. The older one says "X just chuck it here" and the other two children happy as larry chucked their rubbish in the garden.
"Excuse me" I say,interrupting my coffee inhalation, and the eldest child looks at me. "That's your rubbish there". I wasn't angry or rude with the child but I do find that kids have finely tuned teacher radars that can detect the tone a mile off.
"That's not my rubbish" the kid lied.
"That is YOUR rubbish there. It goes in the BIN" (capital for emphasis not shouting)
Looking at me, and frankly appearing quite taken back he turned around and scooped up all the rubbish out of the garden and with 3-4 steps popped it into the bin.
Just then of course mum comes out of the toilets. The kid made some comment to his mum.
Raya was having her drink and the mum agressively yells "Were you talking to my kid?"
Whoa I thought. I smiled and said "Yes I was just reminding your son that his rubbish went in the bin and not the garden"
His mum then said "Oh for f^&% sake, get f@#$d" to me before she walked off with her littering children in tow.
I don't feel that reminding a child to pick up their rubbish warrants that kind of response. I am certain that as a child had I thrown rubbish around someone would have told me to pick it up. Yet I noticed that at the zoo other's were happy to tut tut and complain but not comment. Had it been Raya I probably would have said "That lady is right Raya, you know where your rubbish goes, thanks" but then again perhaps she was exhausted from trying to wiggle three children a viewing spot at the elephant show - heaven knows just making sure my one child could see was tricky enough.
The second incident was at my local shopping centre. Raya and I were eating a sandwich at a table in the food court - well actually I was eating and Raya was up and down, up and down annoyingly demonstrating to me her best dancing moves between every.single.bite. But enough of my three year old's obsession with dancing. I saw as you do when you are mindlessly people watching a mum with three children at a near table - two older kids and a little one who looked about 18 months - sippy cup in hand and a wobbly toddle walk.
Mum only turned her back for 2 seconds to speak to the other two and the little boy waddled straight for the escalators. He walked past 4 tables at least as people, both young and old looked on at this little boy who was headed straight towards the down escalators. Not a single person moved to stop this little boy. By now I had jumped out of my seat but so had a mum who was closer who had launched out of her seat and grabbed his little hand just as he went to step onto the escalators.
It seemed like a long time but in reality this played out in a matter of seconds. The mum was mortified at what had happened and thanked the mum profusely looking dreadfully embarrassed. But I was mortified by what happened next. A couple who looked in their late thirties or early forties, who had let the boy walk straight past them, emptied their tray and then said to the mum "don't have three kids if you can't keep an eye on all of them".
That poor mum and that rude couple. I wanted to give them a peace of my mind. They couldn't bring themselves to keep a child safe but they could exert the energy to rebuke the mother.
Where is the village vibe here? The only thing that reminded me of the village was the rude couple's attempt to emotionally publicly flog the mother.
Is it that we are so concerned about not being judgmental or accepting of differing parenting techniques that we are being silenced? I am not encouraging anyone to go and smack other people's kids in shopping centres but reminding kids to be safe I am encouraging.
I see it at the playground as well. If we had a little more village vibe happening then perhaps we would have less helicopter parenting.
It amuses me that at the local park there can be on occasion eight women all hovering over their children while their coffees go cold. I often wonder why at least half of those women can't sit down and trust that the other mum's will have the common sense to remind their darling Jimmy that going down the slippery dip, backwards head first is not a great idea or will dust Sarah off if she has a tumble from the swings. But they all stand there and let their coffee get cold because when Sarah does fall off, and one child always does, no one steps in to help. The other women look sorry for the child but the little one either dries their own tears or sits and waits till supermum rescues them. None of these women seem horrible but there is a clear 'watch your own child' vibe happening.
Mother's rather than being defensive I feel should be open to others lending some support. I am not referring to the comments of "I would never have let my child dress like that" when your child was determined to go to Westfields dressed as Upsy Daisy and you didn't have it in you for a fight. No I mean the general, well meaning support. If another mum smiles at you, smile back. Trust me it is the "been there done that smile' they are sharing - not a 'smug mummy' smile. After all none of us can wear our supermum capes all the time.
If kids were getting the message from not only their parents but community members it may add some credence to what their parents are saying.
Do you think it takes a village to raise a child? How can we get more of the village vibe happening?
I often complain that we don't have that same sense of community as a lot of other cultures do.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it goes back to our national origins, where it was every man for himself. I don't know. What I do know is that it isn't just the greater community. It often is close to home, as well. And the bigger the town you live in, the worse it is. (I feel like a real country girl saying that, and I really am not). I've lived in a few country towns now, and that sense of community is still there - from the old duck next door to the family across the road (whose kids are the same age as my oldest girls), there's a sense of it being a village here that are willing, and able, to help raise a child.
I don't know the solution. I do know it is often selfishness that prevent that sense of community.
Great post! I agree with you wholeheartedly. I find that I don't help/say anything when I see a child needs help or has done something wrong because I am concerned of getting 'told off' for 'sticking my nose in'. On the odd time when I have helped a child at the park or shops I find that the parent gives me 'a look'. I think some parents automatically think that you are judging their parenting or their children if you assist when sometimes help is just help.
ReplyDelete