Saying Sorry

This week I was involved in an accident. I won't go into the details other than to say it involved a child doing the wrong thing (no, not a child I teach nor a child related to me) and ended up with me on crutches with an injury to my Achilles Tendon. Time off work, crutches, difficulty moving my toes and not being able to put weight on my foot, drive etc. Not a whole lot of fun.


While the accident was painful - and continues to be -what was shocking was the follow up.


The child who injured me was never made to apologise.


Shortly after the injury occurred the child's parent appeared on the scene. Like I said before, kids are kids, and they are not always the best judges of their actions or accompanied consequences. 


However when the father arrived on the scene, almost stepping over me, he refused to acknowledge my presence. While I lay on the floor and staff discussed calling an ambulance, this man ignored me. He asked whether his child was to blame and having his suspicions confirmed he then took his child, in silence, without even a backwards glance and left the scene. I will admit I strained my ear in case there was the embarrassed, out of ear shot reprimand that some parents prefer but, silence.


This is the part which really shocked me, the failure to apologise.


Since then I have asked people their opinions on apologising when it comes to children. While I do not know any adults who would not apologise in this circumstance I have communicated with people who would not necessarily require their children to 'say sorry'.


I'm sorry, what!!


 Since when do we not require children to apologise.


In a lot of ways we have tried to parent in a sensitive, attuned manner with many elements of attachment parenting being used. However there seems to be a new trend that does not require children to say please, thank you, hello or sorry. At this point in the journey Nick and I jump ship.


Parents profess of not wanting to create manipulative, insincere children and therefore will not ask their child to apologise instead apologising for them explained as modelling the correct behaviour.


Parents claim we should not ask children to be sorry when they aren't sorry - but how do we know whether they are sorry if we do not interrupt their play or activity to give the incident the attention it deserves.


I'm sorry but I feel that parents who do not require their child to apologise are doing their children a disservice. Yes this is my blog and that is my opinion and no I don't apologise for it!


There is more to an apology than the words "I'm sorry'. For parents who seem to be allergic to these words how about encouraging your child to ask the question "Are you okay?". To show some compassion or empathy for another person is a important life skill. I would like to think I am working hard to raise a child who will be able to express humility when required. Children need modelling of their social skills and an opportunity to practise them. Otherwise we end up with the situation where parents are still apologising non-stop for their teenager or older child who never moved on from their egocentric view of the world where everything revolved around them.


There is also more to an apology for children than the word. We certainly do not want to teach children that apologising is the quickest way to dismiss another person. In the same manner teaching children to respond with 'that's okay" is not helpful when the majority of the time things aren't okay. An "I forgive you" from the victim is more meaningful.


Teaching children to apologise with a more expressive vocabulary than "I'm sorry" allows them to attempt to accept responsibility for their actions without feeling they are putting themselves down.


Sure don't teach your child to say "I'm sorry" but don't replace this apology with nothing. Being able to recognise the difference between right and wrong comes later for our children. Until they can identify that moment they are relying on us to show them the way.


I know I came from a generation which was made to apologise and it didn't cause me to grow a second head.


So I am sorry, but we will be teacher out daughter the value of an apology